someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
