don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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