I wish my penis had an off switch
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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