i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
