I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
