My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
