feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
