His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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