Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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