Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
