Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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