I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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