I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
