im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
i believe in u and ur pee
Your penis caused this!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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