this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on a dog bed..
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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