Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
