I swear god or herbie drove my car home
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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