i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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