i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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