She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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