Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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