just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
