he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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