I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
