I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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