I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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