Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
