Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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