Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
You've changed since you got that strap on
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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