I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
