Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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