Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
The beer is more important than you right now.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
