Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
