You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
