true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
