I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
