Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i think i have two assholes
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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