i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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