So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
