Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
