so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
