I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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