Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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