He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
