woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
