I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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