if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
