Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
