saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
