So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
