Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
