I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
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