So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
