Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
