I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
This is the high leading the old right now
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
