we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
