remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
