I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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