I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
