Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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